I think I may be one of the only people I know that thinks bodybuilding is cool.
Most people look at these unproportionately enourmous guys and think they're freaks. Thy're drugged up 'roid boys who shoot up with enough testosterone and human growth hormone, and the juice from a bull's testicles and whatever else fits into the syringe and become that way. While's there is a bit of truth in that (always wanted to try bull testicle juice), there is a lot more than that involved.
The #1 thing it takes to be a successful bodybuilder is disciplne. And I'm not talking about doing your homework afterschool and take out the trash without being told discipline, I'm talking about Navy Seal discipline. You have to get to the gym five times a week no matter how you feel and push really heavy weight around....and that's the easy part.
It's all about your diet. If you want to look good on stage in front of hundreds, or perhaps thousands of people, you must have a clean diet for months. And that's only if you haven't completely let yourself go....then it's years.
I have never been the most self-disciplined person on the planet. I have at times in small spurts shown the ability to focus enough to achieve something....but I have never committed to something that took intense personal focus over an extended period of time, like it would take to become a bodybuilder. Maybe that's because when I was young, I never had to study, and maybe its because i'm inherently a little on the lazy side.....but even when I lost a lot of weight 5 years ago...I never got below a certain point....and I knew it would be a matter of time before I gained it back.
So....in my infinate wisdom I have decided to publically make this decree:
I will enter a bodybuilding contest in 2011. In fact, the one I'm targeting is the Sportfest contest that happens in July in the Lehigh Valley. This gives everyone I know an opportunity to show up and ridicule me as much as they want. Although I would understand that the idea of seeing me wearing one of those banana hammock shorts things may be too much for many of them.
So...how is this going to happen? Anyone who has seen me lately certainly knows I should not be shirtless anywhere. I weighed in 2 weeks ago at a shade under 280lbs., which would be perfect if I was 7' 2", but is just ever so slightly overweight on my 5' 9" frame (and I'm being generous on those 9").
I'm looking at three different phases to make this happen.
Phase 1 - (Now until Halloween)
Lose the initial 60+ lbs. Believe it or not, I'm looking at this as the easiest of the three phases. I've lost that kind of weight before, although this time I'm looking at a little less working out and a lot better diet. If I can get down below 220, I actually look and feel pretty good, although the doctor would tell you I'm still obese at 220. This will take me living in the realm of the 1,500 - 1,800 calorie diet, while exercising 5-6 days a week with both strength training and cardio. Anyone who sees me at a fast food restaurant or eating some pie in the next 5months needs to hit me with a baseball bat.
Phase 2 - (November 1 - February 28)
While still lessening my body fat, gain some significant size. I'll increase my calories to around 2,500....mostly protein, while really pushing some big weight around. Hopefully during the first phase I can get some of my strength back, so when it's time to grow....I'm ready. I have a classic endomorphic body, so gaining size was never a problem for me. The trick is to not keep the layer of fat while building the muscle. Can anyone say....hours and hours on the eliptical?
Phase 3 - (March 1 - contest)
This is what will either make me a laughing stock....or perhaps a contender. I need to get incredibly lean....while keeping the size I built. You see...if I'm still 200+, I'll be carrying 12-15% body fat....and I'll need to get down around 6%. I can put my body into ketosis for a while.....eating only protein and fat, but you can only do that for around 6 weeks. This is the part I'll need some professional help with.....but it's pretty far away, so I have some time to do my research.
So...why do this? I need a goal. Something to focus on. I haven't achieved anything in a while...particularly of a physical nature, so this sounded like a good challenge. Well...it was either this or a triathalon, and I HATE running, so bodybuidling wins. And entering a Masters 40+ Novice event, I won't need to look like Arnold, just bigger and a LOT less fat than I currently am.
Wish me luck.....or make fun of me, I'm up for both.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
"What, No Ham?"
I think in-laws are very special and particularly insidious test presented to you by God to see if you’re really worthy of going to heaven. How else would you explain it?
Dealing with your family is always a challenge. My family is probably like most people’s….a little bit crazy, they run hot and cold…but in the end, they are your family….so you have to deal with them. It’s part of the contract when you’re born. Here you go kid…..good luck.
But in laws…..wow! Your family knows all of your secrets….like that you reached into the toilet and ate poop when you were two (um…that didn’t actually happen…..um….). You have a history….you know all of their crap too. In-laws bring no history, no connection….but you have to treat them like family. I truly believe that 95% of the marriages that end are because you just can’t see your mother-in-law at one more holiday bonanza.
While I could write a book on the topic of in-laws, I’m gonna keep this one brief and just relay a quick heartwarming Easter story.
We get to host Jeni’s family at most holidays. It’s the trade off for being the only ones living in a house that can fit more than 3 people….so we usually don’t mind. For Easter this year, we decided to have brunch…and that I would cook. Okay…we didn’t decide that…I was assigned cooking duties, but I digress.
My sister-in-law asked what was on the menu…..she actually referred to it as a menu. Like I’m running a stinking restaurant, but Jeni replied by giving a nice list of things including bacon, sausage, waffles, eggs, coffee, orange juice, etc. And her reply was…..
"What, no ham?"
When did you get to complain about the “menu” when people were giving you free food? It’s not like she doesn’t eat everything we’re serving…that we selected food that made her boot. No…she decided that Easter meant ham. Well…I think ham tastes like rotting feet. It’s terrible. I struggle to choke down a courtesy helping when I go to a person’s home and they’re serving it. But…unlike the queen of manners, I wouldn’t dream of pissing on the food people were so very nice to put in front of me.
“What, no ham?”
How about you bring a ham if you want one…..you know, it’s not uncommon to bring a dish to the party. And trust me, you’ll get plenty of leftovers, because I won’t be touching your slimy, stank ham…..
“What, no ham?”
You gotta love in-laws…..
Dealing with your family is always a challenge. My family is probably like most people’s….a little bit crazy, they run hot and cold…but in the end, they are your family….so you have to deal with them. It’s part of the contract when you’re born. Here you go kid…..good luck.
But in laws…..wow! Your family knows all of your secrets….like that you reached into the toilet and ate poop when you were two (um…that didn’t actually happen…..um….). You have a history….you know all of their crap too. In-laws bring no history, no connection….but you have to treat them like family. I truly believe that 95% of the marriages that end are because you just can’t see your mother-in-law at one more holiday bonanza.
While I could write a book on the topic of in-laws, I’m gonna keep this one brief and just relay a quick heartwarming Easter story.
We get to host Jeni’s family at most holidays. It’s the trade off for being the only ones living in a house that can fit more than 3 people….so we usually don’t mind. For Easter this year, we decided to have brunch…and that I would cook. Okay…we didn’t decide that…I was assigned cooking duties, but I digress.
My sister-in-law asked what was on the menu…..she actually referred to it as a menu. Like I’m running a stinking restaurant, but Jeni replied by giving a nice list of things including bacon, sausage, waffles, eggs, coffee, orange juice, etc. And her reply was…..
"What, no ham?"
When did you get to complain about the “menu” when people were giving you free food? It’s not like she doesn’t eat everything we’re serving…that we selected food that made her boot. No…she decided that Easter meant ham. Well…I think ham tastes like rotting feet. It’s terrible. I struggle to choke down a courtesy helping when I go to a person’s home and they’re serving it. But…unlike the queen of manners, I wouldn’t dream of pissing on the food people were so very nice to put in front of me.
“What, no ham?”
How about you bring a ham if you want one…..you know, it’s not uncommon to bring a dish to the party. And trust me, you’ll get plenty of leftovers, because I won’t be touching your slimy, stank ham…..
“What, no ham?”
You gotta love in-laws…..
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Odd and Ends
I’ve been struggling to find my next blog topic, so I thought I’d write some brief thoughts on a bunch of stuff:
I finally watched Star Trek…the JJ Abrams film from last summer. It was awesome….best film I’ve seen in a while. I was amazed just how many times Kirk took an ass whipping in that film. And the homage to our buddy Jim having sex with the green chick, priceless!
How do Matt and Trey keep being funny after 14 seasons? Some of their swings miss, but far more hit the ball right out of the park. Their take on Catcher in the Rye being a banned book was dead on….and hysterical.
The concept of “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” is great….until you’re the person who being begged for forgiveness. I just love being completely ignored….and then you get the weak sauce explanation and apology.
I think McDonald’s has spiked their food with some sort of addictive substance. I never had a craving to smoke, and walking away from a drink is no problem, but giving up Big Macs feels like going off heroin to me. And yes….I always want fries with that.
So we’ve now degenerated to the point where Congressman are calling colleagues “baby killers” in open session. That’s become okay? Really!? And Sarah Palin has her own movement….and is shaping the country in her image? I don’t pretend to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but if we were splitting the country into halves…..smartest on the left and dumbest on the right….I’d be hanging with Michu Kaku…..and Palin would be dating Gump. I’m voting for the person I can have coffee with and disagree with, without getting a brick through my window. Oh, and the person has to be smarter than a goldfish.
Is it sad that I am longingly tracking my iPad on the UPS site? I check it everyday just watching it get a little closer to me. I will be parked on my couch on Saturday until the doorbell rings and I finally get my prize. It’s a little like being 8 years old and asking, “Are we there yet” every ten minutes when going on a car trip.
Does anyone else think that in 30 years we’ll be embarrassed about the way we’re handling gay issues? I look back at the way we handled African Americans in the 40’s through 70’s and I just shake my head. I really think when I’m old and my daughter’s generation is running the show, they’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about.
I finally watched Star Trek…the JJ Abrams film from last summer. It was awesome….best film I’ve seen in a while. I was amazed just how many times Kirk took an ass whipping in that film. And the homage to our buddy Jim having sex with the green chick, priceless!
How do Matt and Trey keep being funny after 14 seasons? Some of their swings miss, but far more hit the ball right out of the park. Their take on Catcher in the Rye being a banned book was dead on….and hysterical.
The concept of “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” is great….until you’re the person who being begged for forgiveness. I just love being completely ignored….and then you get the weak sauce explanation and apology.
I think McDonald’s has spiked their food with some sort of addictive substance. I never had a craving to smoke, and walking away from a drink is no problem, but giving up Big Macs feels like going off heroin to me. And yes….I always want fries with that.
So we’ve now degenerated to the point where Congressman are calling colleagues “baby killers” in open session. That’s become okay? Really!? And Sarah Palin has her own movement….and is shaping the country in her image? I don’t pretend to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but if we were splitting the country into halves…..smartest on the left and dumbest on the right….I’d be hanging with Michu Kaku…..and Palin would be dating Gump. I’m voting for the person I can have coffee with and disagree with, without getting a brick through my window. Oh, and the person has to be smarter than a goldfish.
Is it sad that I am longingly tracking my iPad on the UPS site? I check it everyday just watching it get a little closer to me. I will be parked on my couch on Saturday until the doorbell rings and I finally get my prize. It’s a little like being 8 years old and asking, “Are we there yet” every ten minutes when going on a car trip.
Does anyone else think that in 30 years we’ll be embarrassed about the way we’re handling gay issues? I look back at the way we handled African Americans in the 40’s through 70’s and I just shake my head. I really think when I’m old and my daughter’s generation is running the show, they’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Cell Phone Cash
Just when you thought you couldn’t come up with another reason to hate Allentown….they enact a cell phone ban while driving.
Really!?!
Now….before the high and mighty begin to instruct me in the dangers of cell phone use in the car….allow me to delve a little further into this law.
Technically, driving while talking on your phone is not a problem, no the problem is holding your handset while doing so. It’s perfectly acceptable to chat….but you must use an earpiece or a speaker system.
I’ve owned two different Bluetooth devices….both sounded like I was talking to someone on a submarine. And if I had to repeat myself one more time…..ugh! Speaker systems are worse….it’s like taking to someone at the Drive Thru….thanks for the call, would you like fries with that? No….when on the phone, I prefer to hear the caller…and for them to hear me, so holding my handset works for me.
But…..holding my handset and driving is a serious problem. Because people can’t safely perform a basic function with their hands while operating a motor vehicle. Um….so when does Allentown City Council ban eating, putting up makeup, smoking, drinking coffee, scratching your head, changing the station on the radio, or picking your nose while driving. All of those things are just as difficult as holding a phone….some much more problematic. Picking your nose in particular can be a time consuming task that takes concentration and manual dexterity. You can actually be scratching your head, eating a cheeseburger and cranking up the A/C and be perfectly fine, just don’t think about hitting the green talk button and saying, hello.
And…let’s face it….isn’t it weird and unsettling that you can talk on your phone everywhere else in the Lehigh Valley with the exception of within the City Limits of Allentown? So….I’m driving through Emmaus chatting away…..then holy shit….there’s the City of Allentown sign, gotta go! Call you back once I reach Whitehall. If this was such a problem, wouldn’t it be a state law? Or a federal law? I can’t wait for the first genius to run into a telephone pole because they were distracted looking for the City of Allentown sign so they’d know when to hang up.
So…we’ve established that they do not actually care about your safety. No….if safety was a concern at all, then they would completely ban cell phone calls. Or they would ban texting and checking email. All of those things are at least arguable. No, this is ALL about money. One hundred and fifty dollar fine for a first offense for talking on your cell…while holding your handset. And it goes up from there. You know when Mayor Ed came up with this idea, he was looking for another innovative way to generate revenue. We’ve already gouged every red cent with parking tickets…so what’s next? I got it…I got it…..let’s screw over our law abiding citizens by fining them for holding a handset up to their ear? Yeah…I know the state legislature has never been able to push a cell phone ban through (they couldn’t even get the no texting law passed), but we’ll do it here. And we’ll just keep collecting the fines until someone challenges the validity of a City Law superseding a State Law and wins. The bean counters got so excited they actually wore Hawaiian Shirts to work the day Ed signed the bill.
I know Allentown needs money. They have incredibly complex issues with their tax base, their school district, with crime, and so many other things. But…be honest. You want to squeeze more money out of the folks driving through your City. To do this….you’ll turn your police force into the cell phone monitors, instead of dealing with real issues. I have an idea…how about fining all the wonderful people driving around with music over 100 db, and the base that’s rattling the windows? I’m sure they are as much of a safety issue as I am driving with a cell phone. And they’re a nuisance!
Oh…and just to make the matter clear…I’ve had a cell phone since 1993, never had an accident.
Really!?!
Now….before the high and mighty begin to instruct me in the dangers of cell phone use in the car….allow me to delve a little further into this law.
Technically, driving while talking on your phone is not a problem, no the problem is holding your handset while doing so. It’s perfectly acceptable to chat….but you must use an earpiece or a speaker system.
I’ve owned two different Bluetooth devices….both sounded like I was talking to someone on a submarine. And if I had to repeat myself one more time…..ugh! Speaker systems are worse….it’s like taking to someone at the Drive Thru….thanks for the call, would you like fries with that? No….when on the phone, I prefer to hear the caller…and for them to hear me, so holding my handset works for me.
But…..holding my handset and driving is a serious problem. Because people can’t safely perform a basic function with their hands while operating a motor vehicle. Um….so when does Allentown City Council ban eating, putting up makeup, smoking, drinking coffee, scratching your head, changing the station on the radio, or picking your nose while driving. All of those things are just as difficult as holding a phone….some much more problematic. Picking your nose in particular can be a time consuming task that takes concentration and manual dexterity. You can actually be scratching your head, eating a cheeseburger and cranking up the A/C and be perfectly fine, just don’t think about hitting the green talk button and saying, hello.
And…let’s face it….isn’t it weird and unsettling that you can talk on your phone everywhere else in the Lehigh Valley with the exception of within the City Limits of Allentown? So….I’m driving through Emmaus chatting away…..then holy shit….there’s the City of Allentown sign, gotta go! Call you back once I reach Whitehall. If this was such a problem, wouldn’t it be a state law? Or a federal law? I can’t wait for the first genius to run into a telephone pole because they were distracted looking for the City of Allentown sign so they’d know when to hang up.
So…we’ve established that they do not actually care about your safety. No….if safety was a concern at all, then they would completely ban cell phone calls. Or they would ban texting and checking email. All of those things are at least arguable. No, this is ALL about money. One hundred and fifty dollar fine for a first offense for talking on your cell…while holding your handset. And it goes up from there. You know when Mayor Ed came up with this idea, he was looking for another innovative way to generate revenue. We’ve already gouged every red cent with parking tickets…so what’s next? I got it…I got it…..let’s screw over our law abiding citizens by fining them for holding a handset up to their ear? Yeah…I know the state legislature has never been able to push a cell phone ban through (they couldn’t even get the no texting law passed), but we’ll do it here. And we’ll just keep collecting the fines until someone challenges the validity of a City Law superseding a State Law and wins. The bean counters got so excited they actually wore Hawaiian Shirts to work the day Ed signed the bill.
I know Allentown needs money. They have incredibly complex issues with their tax base, their school district, with crime, and so many other things. But…be honest. You want to squeeze more money out of the folks driving through your City. To do this….you’ll turn your police force into the cell phone monitors, instead of dealing with real issues. I have an idea…how about fining all the wonderful people driving around with music over 100 db, and the base that’s rattling the windows? I’m sure they are as much of a safety issue as I am driving with a cell phone. And they’re a nuisance!
Oh…and just to make the matter clear…I’ve had a cell phone since 1993, never had an accident.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Customer Service Employees Bill of Rights
I have the distinct pleasure of being a minimum wage customer service employee. I know...I do have a career that pays a little better than that, but on the nights and weekends I work at the theatre, that is my role. I sell tickets and concessions...and for that I make $7.50 per hour. Now...I am not complaining about my job, or the wages I am being paid for said job...I just needed to establish that I am qualified to speak on behalf of those nameless, faceless people who wait on you.
If you ask most people...including me, you will find that people think customer service is a lost art form. That the people waiting on you at the restaurant, the clothing store, the dry cleaner suck at taking care of their needs. They are universally unfriendly, stupid, and unqualified to do anything in life, so this is what they are left with. Some of this is true.....if you go back to the 50's, everyone gave great service. The guy pumping your gas wore a clean uniform, smilied at you, cleaned your windows, and got you out of their quickly. The waitress at the local diner knew your name, your kid's names, and that you did not like meatloaf. It goes on and on. What people might not remember is that you could hold a job like that in 1955, and while you weren't dining with the Kennedy's, you could put feed your family. Certainly not today....you'd be on welfare. In fact...in 2010, you're better of being on welfare than working at the mall.....but I digress.
My point is...while customer service is definately not what it used to be, neither are customers. People used to repsect service professionals, and society had a basic decorum that allowed everyone to be repsected. Customers are now in a hurry, pissed off, ill-mannered and ill-tempered. They look at cashiers and wait staff as below them...and feel no need to treat them with decency or repsect. I'm amazed at some of the assholes I deal with at the theatre....and this is a place that generally serves older, well educated people. Actually.....in many cases, these people are the worst.
You know....I've read about 100 different "Bill of Rights" for customers, but never one for Service Professionals. So...here's my attempt at one:
1). Servers have the right to have a clean slate. If I've never met you....please don't shit all over me because the last time you were at this theatre, the water in your Dasani bottle wasn't quite cold enough. Give me the opportunity to screw up before you treat me like I did....
2). Servers have the right to experience good manners. Please and thank you work for us too. If you can't do good manners....how about not talking. I can deal with silence much better than someone being a douche.
3). Servers deserve not to be cursed at. The best way to make sure I do absolutely nothing for you is to drop an F-bomb my way. What makes you think that's appropriate in any place in society.
4). Caveat Emptor....Let the customer beware. It is not my fault you bought the wrong sweater, salad, tie....fill in the blank. We can help you fix your mistake....but it is your mistake. I had some guy who was pissed that the movie was in the black box theatre. That's well and good...but don't yell at me after the movie after you purchased the tickets. You certainly could have not bought the tickets.
5). Don't be upset with the minimum wage folks for things they obviously don't control. Too many times I've watched some old guy shit all over a waitress because something was taken off the menu. Do you really think the 16 year old waitress at Friendly's decided to 86 the mozerella sticks? If not....don't harp on her about it.
6). Don't assume it's their fault. My favorite thing is when people come late to a movie...then start freaking out about the showtime being wrong in the paper or on our website. The cant ever produce a ad....not that they should. When I point out to them that 300 people arrived on time for the 7:30 showing....and they are standing alone in front of the box office at 8pm, they still blame me (see above, I don't place the ads). If you didn't just assume it was my fault.....then I could stop hating you.
7). Service people never control traffic, weather, or parking. Repeat after me....If I had given enough time to get where I needed to go without rushing, I would have made it on-time. Being 15 minutes early is not a crime, being 15 minutes late gets you seated in the back of the house for Act 1.
8). Servers are not miracle workers....they cannot make things appear or disappear instantaneously, and irrational deadlines cannot always be met. I know of three people in my professional life that actually are quoted 10% - 25% higher than a normal person when they need a job done as a service tax. These people are so difficult to deal with and ask for such unreasonable things that the business needs more money to put up with their crap.
9). Acts of God are just that. True story...I had a guy piss all over me because I failed to open the theatre after we got 14 inches of snow. Never mind he got to the theatre riding a snowmobile.....he got there, so I should open. Your waiter is not to blame because frost killed the orange crop in FL...so OJ is $6 per glass.
10). Know the difference! As a consumer....one of your jobs is to know when someone is trying to provide good service to you, and when someone could give a shit less. For example….if someone gives you a nice smile and greeting when they encounter you, work quickly…..and genuinely try to fix any problems you faced during your transaction, recognize that. I’m not saying you need to give them a $20 or anything, but at least treat them as if they are worth your time, and keep going back to that place. In the same light, if someone doesn’t make eye contact with you when waiting on you….or is texting or talking on the phone rather than deal with you…..stop going to that establishment. Don’t make a scene….cause trust me, if a service worker doesn’t care about doing a good job….no amount of anger will change that.
You have the right to expect good customer service. Even more…you have the right to use establishments that hire, train, and value employees that provide good customer service. I recommend to everyone that the way you let businesses know that you’re happy or unhappy with their service is with your $$$. That being said….don’t crap all over those nameless, faceless people getting your dinner and ringing up your groceries. Be reasonable in your expectations….and remember that if you lose your mind on someone….you’ll just end up being the asshole of the day when they get to the bar later with friends…..
If you ask most people...including me, you will find that people think customer service is a lost art form. That the people waiting on you at the restaurant, the clothing store, the dry cleaner suck at taking care of their needs. They are universally unfriendly, stupid, and unqualified to do anything in life, so this is what they are left with. Some of this is true.....if you go back to the 50's, everyone gave great service. The guy pumping your gas wore a clean uniform, smilied at you, cleaned your windows, and got you out of their quickly. The waitress at the local diner knew your name, your kid's names, and that you did not like meatloaf. It goes on and on. What people might not remember is that you could hold a job like that in 1955, and while you weren't dining with the Kennedy's, you could put feed your family. Certainly not today....you'd be on welfare. In fact...in 2010, you're better of being on welfare than working at the mall.....but I digress.
My point is...while customer service is definately not what it used to be, neither are customers. People used to repsect service professionals, and society had a basic decorum that allowed everyone to be repsected. Customers are now in a hurry, pissed off, ill-mannered and ill-tempered. They look at cashiers and wait staff as below them...and feel no need to treat them with decency or repsect. I'm amazed at some of the assholes I deal with at the theatre....and this is a place that generally serves older, well educated people. Actually.....in many cases, these people are the worst.
You know....I've read about 100 different "Bill of Rights" for customers, but never one for Service Professionals. So...here's my attempt at one:
1). Servers have the right to have a clean slate. If I've never met you....please don't shit all over me because the last time you were at this theatre, the water in your Dasani bottle wasn't quite cold enough. Give me the opportunity to screw up before you treat me like I did....
2). Servers have the right to experience good manners. Please and thank you work for us too. If you can't do good manners....how about not talking. I can deal with silence much better than someone being a douche.
3). Servers deserve not to be cursed at. The best way to make sure I do absolutely nothing for you is to drop an F-bomb my way. What makes you think that's appropriate in any place in society.
4). Caveat Emptor....Let the customer beware. It is not my fault you bought the wrong sweater, salad, tie....fill in the blank. We can help you fix your mistake....but it is your mistake. I had some guy who was pissed that the movie was in the black box theatre. That's well and good...but don't yell at me after the movie after you purchased the tickets. You certainly could have not bought the tickets.
5). Don't be upset with the minimum wage folks for things they obviously don't control. Too many times I've watched some old guy shit all over a waitress because something was taken off the menu. Do you really think the 16 year old waitress at Friendly's decided to 86 the mozerella sticks? If not....don't harp on her about it.
6). Don't assume it's their fault. My favorite thing is when people come late to a movie...then start freaking out about the showtime being wrong in the paper or on our website. The cant ever produce a ad....not that they should. When I point out to them that 300 people arrived on time for the 7:30 showing....and they are standing alone in front of the box office at 8pm, they still blame me (see above, I don't place the ads). If you didn't just assume it was my fault.....then I could stop hating you.
7). Service people never control traffic, weather, or parking. Repeat after me....If I had given enough time to get where I needed to go without rushing, I would have made it on-time. Being 15 minutes early is not a crime, being 15 minutes late gets you seated in the back of the house for Act 1.
8). Servers are not miracle workers....they cannot make things appear or disappear instantaneously, and irrational deadlines cannot always be met. I know of three people in my professional life that actually are quoted 10% - 25% higher than a normal person when they need a job done as a service tax. These people are so difficult to deal with and ask for such unreasonable things that the business needs more money to put up with their crap.
9). Acts of God are just that. True story...I had a guy piss all over me because I failed to open the theatre after we got 14 inches of snow. Never mind he got to the theatre riding a snowmobile.....he got there, so I should open. Your waiter is not to blame because frost killed the orange crop in FL...so OJ is $6 per glass.
10). Know the difference! As a consumer....one of your jobs is to know when someone is trying to provide good service to you, and when someone could give a shit less. For example….if someone gives you a nice smile and greeting when they encounter you, work quickly…..and genuinely try to fix any problems you faced during your transaction, recognize that. I’m not saying you need to give them a $20 or anything, but at least treat them as if they are worth your time, and keep going back to that place. In the same light, if someone doesn’t make eye contact with you when waiting on you….or is texting or talking on the phone rather than deal with you…..stop going to that establishment. Don’t make a scene….cause trust me, if a service worker doesn’t care about doing a good job….no amount of anger will change that.
You have the right to expect good customer service. Even more…you have the right to use establishments that hire, train, and value employees that provide good customer service. I recommend to everyone that the way you let businesses know that you’re happy or unhappy with their service is with your $$$. That being said….don’t crap all over those nameless, faceless people getting your dinner and ringing up your groceries. Be reasonable in your expectations….and remember that if you lose your mind on someone….you’ll just end up being the asshole of the day when they get to the bar later with friends…..
Thursday, February 25, 2010
We Are The World?
I was a senior in high school went Bob Geldoff from The Boomtown Rats invented the Socially Conscious Pop Star. Christmas of 1984 brought us, “Do They Know It’s Christmas”…..a song featuring the top pop start of Britian singing about hunger in Ethiopia. All of the proceeds went to fight hunger in Africa.
Do They Know It’s Christmas begat Lionel Ritchie and Michael Jackson’s classic….We Are The World. This was the American pop star effort to seem socially conscious. From there…..we saw Live Aid, Farm Aid…..and pretty much any Aid concert imaginable. It took about 5 years….but the rock stars trying to save the world pretty much ran its course by 1990.
The funny thing…..both songs were totally forgettable. They really suck! No, hear me out. If you took We Are The World and had Joe Blow record it as a solo piece….you’d get 13 downloads on iTunes…and that would be his family. The only interesting thing about it was identifying all of the stars singing their solo line. That and when they decided to show contrast by having Bruce Springsteen sing with Stevie Wonder. I get it…they sound different but compliment each other. How creative and edgy. MTV played the video about 4 billion times….back when MTV actually played music.
Fast forward 25 years later…..and Haiti has a terrible earthquake. A tragedy to say the least…..just like Hurricane Katrina and the Tsunami, a natural disaster that killed thousands….and displaced many thousands more. I need to say at this point…any efforts to raise money for the people of Haiti is a noble effort. But really…..this is the best they could do? Bringing a bad retread song out of mothballs with a new array of stars? Not one of the 81 people involved in the recording could put pen to paper and write something new and relevant…..and dare I say good?
I’ve watched the new video on You Tube about 10 times and yes…it still sucks. Beyond that…..there are some extreme Hall of Shame moments. Like bringing back Michael Jackson’s solos. He’s the only one from the original version to be added back into the mix…and word has it that was the only way his Mom would release the rights to the song.And just to make it a little more creepy, let's add Janet in to sing a solo with Michael. Did anyone think maybe that was a sign to cut and run?
Coming in close second….Jamie Foxx’s Ray Charles imitation. Either insert Ray’s solo back in….or just sing Jamie. That was totally weak sauce.
With so many really talented vocalists there….you gave a prime solo to Miley Cirus. Wow…..that was a choice. And did anyone think you could have gotten Miley off the stripper pole she rode at the Teen Choice Awards to show up for a benefit.
Put the auto tune machine away! Either you can sing…...or you can’t Better yet….smash it and throw it into the harbor.
After listening to Celine Dion…..was anyone else jonesing Cyndi Lauper? I’ll take Girls Just Want To Have Fun over My Heart Will Go On every time.
Wyclef Jean…..you suck…hard. Really hard! What was that wailing noise you kept making…and could you stop, please?! Honestly, if Wyclef wasn’t Haitian….he would have been parking cars at the recording studio.
Tony Bennett was about 10 years too late……stick with playing the Q-tip circuit.
Here is my sad, sad admission. I HATE rap music. Maybe the occasional Will Smith or Run DMC…..but I haven’t liked anything remotely Rap related since Young MC Busted a Move. The rap addition was by far the best part of the song. It was original, heartfelt and interesting. And if I’m praising LL Cool J, will I am, and Snoop….that tells you all you need to know.
So…..join me in making a donation to the Red Cross…..$100 to erase the digital master and make this abomination go away. And another $50 if you can take it off of Wikipedia. It never existed…..nice.
I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that in 1985…I would secretly try to imitate all of the solo lines when I would watch the video. One time at the beach after a few too many Bushc beers……which could have been pretty much any night that summer, I broke out my rendition of We Are The World…..live. Not sure who saw it…..but I thank god everyday that flip cams and camera phones were yet to be invented. There’s a choice we’re making….and that choice should have been to put down the six pack.
Do They Know It’s Christmas begat Lionel Ritchie and Michael Jackson’s classic….We Are The World. This was the American pop star effort to seem socially conscious. From there…..we saw Live Aid, Farm Aid…..and pretty much any Aid concert imaginable. It took about 5 years….but the rock stars trying to save the world pretty much ran its course by 1990.
The funny thing…..both songs were totally forgettable. They really suck! No, hear me out. If you took We Are The World and had Joe Blow record it as a solo piece….you’d get 13 downloads on iTunes…and that would be his family. The only interesting thing about it was identifying all of the stars singing their solo line. That and when they decided to show contrast by having Bruce Springsteen sing with Stevie Wonder. I get it…they sound different but compliment each other. How creative and edgy. MTV played the video about 4 billion times….back when MTV actually played music.
Fast forward 25 years later…..and Haiti has a terrible earthquake. A tragedy to say the least…..just like Hurricane Katrina and the Tsunami, a natural disaster that killed thousands….and displaced many thousands more. I need to say at this point…any efforts to raise money for the people of Haiti is a noble effort. But really…..this is the best they could do? Bringing a bad retread song out of mothballs with a new array of stars? Not one of the 81 people involved in the recording could put pen to paper and write something new and relevant…..and dare I say good?
I’ve watched the new video on You Tube about 10 times and yes…it still sucks. Beyond that…..there are some extreme Hall of Shame moments. Like bringing back Michael Jackson’s solos. He’s the only one from the original version to be added back into the mix…and word has it that was the only way his Mom would release the rights to the song.And just to make it a little more creepy, let's add Janet in to sing a solo with Michael. Did anyone think maybe that was a sign to cut and run?
Coming in close second….Jamie Foxx’s Ray Charles imitation. Either insert Ray’s solo back in….or just sing Jamie. That was totally weak sauce.
With so many really talented vocalists there….you gave a prime solo to Miley Cirus. Wow…..that was a choice. And did anyone think you could have gotten Miley off the stripper pole she rode at the Teen Choice Awards to show up for a benefit.
Put the auto tune machine away! Either you can sing…...or you can’t Better yet….smash it and throw it into the harbor.
After listening to Celine Dion…..was anyone else jonesing Cyndi Lauper? I’ll take Girls Just Want To Have Fun over My Heart Will Go On every time.
Wyclef Jean…..you suck…hard. Really hard! What was that wailing noise you kept making…and could you stop, please?! Honestly, if Wyclef wasn’t Haitian….he would have been parking cars at the recording studio.
Tony Bennett was about 10 years too late……stick with playing the Q-tip circuit.
Here is my sad, sad admission. I HATE rap music. Maybe the occasional Will Smith or Run DMC…..but I haven’t liked anything remotely Rap related since Young MC Busted a Move. The rap addition was by far the best part of the song. It was original, heartfelt and interesting. And if I’m praising LL Cool J, will I am, and Snoop….that tells you all you need to know.
So…..join me in making a donation to the Red Cross…..$100 to erase the digital master and make this abomination go away. And another $50 if you can take it off of Wikipedia. It never existed…..nice.
I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that in 1985…I would secretly try to imitate all of the solo lines when I would watch the video. One time at the beach after a few too many Bushc beers……which could have been pretty much any night that summer, I broke out my rendition of We Are The World…..live. Not sure who saw it…..but I thank god everyday that flip cams and camera phones were yet to be invented. There’s a choice we’re making….and that choice should have been to put down the six pack.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
To iPad or not to iPad
I'm obsessed with getting and iPad....
This may sound weird to people....but it's not all that unusual for me to be obsessed with some type of technological gadget. As a kid, we were the first family on the block to have cable....we're talking 1973. I got my first Texas Instruments Calculator when I was 7. That doesn't sounds like a big deal now, but it was $50 had a cool red LED readout. We had the Odessey gaming system...which was the very first home gaming system (think pong with an english knob). This was a good 7 years before the Atari 2600 came out.....and I had that too.
That's right...I'm blaming my parents for my need for the newest technology. It helps me to sleep at night.
As I grew into adulthood, I was in early in getting a PC, was the first person O knew to have a cell phone...or more specifically a car phone. Yes...I had a phone that was hard wired into my Honda Civic. It was unbelievably expensive, but very cool. I jumped into getting an early smartphone...it was a phone that you could flip into a Palm Pilot. The only thing that stopped me from jumping in earlier was price....I just never made quite enough money to be on the leading edge...so I had to settle with being in the first 20% or so. It killed my to wait that long....but I survived.
Since Mags was born...it's become harder and harder to justify getting cutting edge electronics. I waited a couple of years before my first ipod...sattelite radio, and my first laptop. Diapers and formula....then later books and dance class were more of a priority than a Wii or an iPhone (I still have netiher).
Then came the iPad. I saw a story about it after the Apple Launch event and I just have to have one. I think about it every day. It's insane....but I can't help it.
I mean....I'm obsessed. I downloaded the Apple Keynote podcasty and watched it.....an hour and a half. I watched their promotional video three times and I've read at least 50 stories about it calling it the next revolutionary product...or a piece of shit. I even sold my netbook.....no need for that, I'll be using my iPad instead.
Let's look at it. HD Video, my entire music collection, ebooks....I love ebooks. No need to ever shop for books at B&N again...and it'll make moving a whole bunch easier. The best part....I'll have an email client, web browser, and pretty much everything else I need in one small, light package. I must say...I have an ipod touch now...and I use it for all of these things. It's amazing...but the screen is too small to make it convenient for some of these things. This will probably be the only thing I carry with me everywhere, and I'll have them put it in my coffin when I die. That is unless Mags swipes it.....she seems to have picked up on Daddy's addicition to cool electronics.
No...I'll be pitching a tent outside of the Apple Store at the end of March. You'll find me at the front of the line looking haggard from lack of food and sleep. I need my iPad........
This may sound weird to people....but it's not all that unusual for me to be obsessed with some type of technological gadget. As a kid, we were the first family on the block to have cable....we're talking 1973. I got my first Texas Instruments Calculator when I was 7. That doesn't sounds like a big deal now, but it was $50 had a cool red LED readout. We had the Odessey gaming system...which was the very first home gaming system (think pong with an english knob). This was a good 7 years before the Atari 2600 came out.....and I had that too.
That's right...I'm blaming my parents for my need for the newest technology. It helps me to sleep at night.
As I grew into adulthood, I was in early in getting a PC, was the first person O knew to have a cell phone...or more specifically a car phone. Yes...I had a phone that was hard wired into my Honda Civic. It was unbelievably expensive, but very cool. I jumped into getting an early smartphone...it was a phone that you could flip into a Palm Pilot. The only thing that stopped me from jumping in earlier was price....I just never made quite enough money to be on the leading edge...so I had to settle with being in the first 20% or so. It killed my to wait that long....but I survived.
Since Mags was born...it's become harder and harder to justify getting cutting edge electronics. I waited a couple of years before my first ipod...sattelite radio, and my first laptop. Diapers and formula....then later books and dance class were more of a priority than a Wii or an iPhone (I still have netiher).
Then came the iPad. I saw a story about it after the Apple Launch event and I just have to have one. I think about it every day. It's insane....but I can't help it.
I mean....I'm obsessed. I downloaded the Apple Keynote podcasty and watched it.....an hour and a half. I watched their promotional video three times and I've read at least 50 stories about it calling it the next revolutionary product...or a piece of shit. I even sold my netbook.....no need for that, I'll be using my iPad instead.
Let's look at it. HD Video, my entire music collection, ebooks....I love ebooks. No need to ever shop for books at B&N again...and it'll make moving a whole bunch easier. The best part....I'll have an email client, web browser, and pretty much everything else I need in one small, light package. I must say...I have an ipod touch now...and I use it for all of these things. It's amazing...but the screen is too small to make it convenient for some of these things. This will probably be the only thing I carry with me everywhere, and I'll have them put it in my coffin when I die. That is unless Mags swipes it.....she seems to have picked up on Daddy's addicition to cool electronics.
No...I'll be pitching a tent outside of the Apple Store at the end of March. You'll find me at the front of the line looking haggard from lack of food and sleep. I need my iPad........
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