"What, No Ham?"

I think in-laws are very special and particularly insidious test presented to you by God to see if you’re really worthy of going to heaven. How else would you explain it?

Dealing with your family is always a challenge. My family is probably like most people’s….a little bit crazy, they run hot and cold…but in the end, they are your family….so you have to deal with them. It’s part of the contract when you’re born. Here you go kid…..good luck.

But in laws…..wow! Your family knows all of your secrets….like that you reached into the toilet and ate poop when you were two (um…that didn’t actually happen…..um….). You have a history….you know all of their crap too. In-laws bring no history, no connection….but you have to treat them like family. I truly believe that 95% of the marriages that end are because you just can’t see your mother-in-law at one more holiday bonanza.

While I could write a book on the topic of in-laws, I’m gonna keep this one brief and just relay a quick heartwarming Easter story.

We get to host Jeni’s family at most holidays. It’s the trade off for being the only ones living in a house that can fit more than 3 people….so we usually don’t mind. For Easter this year, we decided to have brunch…and that I would cook. Okay…we didn’t decide that…I was assigned cooking duties, but I digress.

My sister-in-law asked what was on the menu…..she actually referred to it as a menu. Like I’m running a stinking restaurant, but Jeni replied by giving a nice list of things including bacon, sausage, waffles, eggs, coffee, orange juice, etc. And her reply was…..

"What, no ham?"

When did you get to complain about the “menu” when people were giving you free food? It’s not like she doesn’t eat everything we’re serving…that we selected food that made her boot. No…she decided that Easter meant ham. Well…I think ham tastes like rotting feet. It’s terrible. I struggle to choke down a courtesy helping when I go to a person’s home and they’re serving it. But…unlike the queen of manners, I wouldn’t dream of pissing on the food people were so very nice to put in front of me.

“What, no ham?”

How about you bring a ham if you want one…..you know, it’s not uncommon to bring a dish to the party. And trust me, you’ll get plenty of leftovers, because I won’t be touching your slimy, stank ham…..

“What, no ham?”

You gotta love in-laws…..

Odd and Ends

I’ve been struggling to find my next blog topic, so I thought I’d write some brief thoughts on a bunch of stuff:

I finally watched Star Trek…the JJ Abrams film from last summer. It was awesome….best film I’ve seen in a while. I was amazed just how many times Kirk took an ass whipping in that film. And the homage to our buddy Jim having sex with the green chick, priceless!

How do Matt and Trey keep being funny after 14 seasons? Some of their swings miss, but far more hit the ball right out of the park. Their take on Catcher in the Rye being a banned book was dead on….and hysterical.

The concept of “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” is great….until you’re the person who being begged for forgiveness. I just love being completely ignored….and then you get the weak sauce explanation and apology.

I think McDonald’s has spiked their food with some sort of addictive substance. I never had a craving to smoke, and walking away from a drink is no problem, but giving up Big Macs feels like going off heroin to me. And yes….I always want fries with that.

So we’ve now degenerated to the point where Congressman are calling colleagues “baby killers” in open session. That’s become okay? Really!? And Sarah Palin has her own movement….and is shaping the country in her image? I don’t pretend to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but if we were splitting the country into halves…..smartest on the left and dumbest on the right….I’d be hanging with Michu Kaku…..and Palin would be dating Gump. I’m voting for the person I can have coffee with and disagree with, without getting a brick through my window. Oh, and the person has to be smarter than a goldfish.

Is it sad that I am longingly tracking my iPad on the UPS site? I check it everyday just watching it get a little closer to me. I will be parked on my couch on Saturday until the doorbell rings and I finally get my prize. It’s a little like being 8 years old and asking, “Are we there yet” every ten minutes when going on a car trip.

Does anyone else think that in 30 years we’ll be embarrassed about the way we’re handling gay issues? I look back at the way we handled African Americans in the 40’s through 70’s and I just shake my head. I really think when I’m old and my daughter’s generation is running the show, they’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about.

Cell Phone Cash

Just when you thought you couldn’t come up with another reason to hate Allentown….they enact a cell phone ban while driving.

Really!?!

Now….before the high and mighty begin to instruct me in the dangers of cell phone use in the car….allow me to delve a little further into this law.

Technically, driving while talking on your phone is not a problem, no the problem is holding your handset while doing so. It’s perfectly acceptable to chat….but you must use an earpiece or a speaker system.

I’ve owned two different Bluetooth devices….both sounded like I was talking to someone on a submarine. And if I had to repeat myself one more time…..ugh! Speaker systems are worse….it’s like taking to someone at the Drive Thru….thanks for the call, would you like fries with that? No….when on the phone, I prefer to hear the caller…and for them to hear me, so holding my handset works for me.

But…..holding my handset and driving is a serious problem. Because people can’t safely perform a basic function with their hands while operating a motor vehicle. Um….so when does Allentown City Council ban eating, putting up makeup, smoking, drinking coffee, scratching your head, changing the station on the radio, or picking your nose while driving. All of those things are just as difficult as holding a phone….some much more problematic. Picking your nose in particular can be a time consuming task that takes concentration and manual dexterity. You can actually be scratching your head, eating a cheeseburger and cranking up the A/C and be perfectly fine, just don’t think about hitting the green talk button and saying, hello.

And…let’s face it….isn’t it weird and unsettling that you can talk on your phone everywhere else in the Lehigh Valley with the exception of within the City Limits of Allentown? So….I’m driving through Emmaus chatting away…..then holy shit….there’s the City of Allentown sign, gotta go! Call you back once I reach Whitehall. If this was such a problem, wouldn’t it be a state law? Or a federal law? I can’t wait for the first genius to run into a telephone pole because they were distracted looking for the City of Allentown sign so they’d know when to hang up.

So…we’ve established that they do not actually care about your safety. No….if safety was a concern at all, then they would completely ban cell phone calls. Or they would ban texting and checking email. All of those things are at least arguable. No, this is ALL about money. One hundred and fifty dollar fine for a first offense for talking on your cell…while holding your handset. And it goes up from there. You know when Mayor Ed came up with this idea, he was looking for another innovative way to generate revenue. We’ve already gouged every red cent with parking tickets…so what’s next? I got it…I got it…..let’s screw over our law abiding citizens by fining them for holding a handset up to their ear? Yeah…I know the state legislature has never been able to push a cell phone ban through (they couldn’t even get the no texting law passed), but we’ll do it here. And we’ll just keep collecting the fines until someone challenges the validity of a City Law superseding a State Law and wins. The bean counters got so excited they actually wore Hawaiian Shirts to work the day Ed signed the bill.

I know Allentown needs money. They have incredibly complex issues with their tax base, their school district, with crime, and so many other things. But…be honest. You want to squeeze more money out of the folks driving through your City. To do this….you’ll turn your police force into the cell phone monitors, instead of dealing with real issues. I have an idea…how about fining all the wonderful people driving around with music over 100 db, and the base that’s rattling the windows? I’m sure they are as much of a safety issue as I am driving with a cell phone. And they’re a nuisance!

Oh…and just to make the matter clear…I’ve had a cell phone since 1993, never had an accident.

Customer Service Employees Bill of Rights

I have the distinct pleasure of being a minimum wage customer service employee. I know...I do have a career that pays a little better than that, but on the nights and weekends I work at the theatre, that is my role. I sell tickets and concessions...and for that I make $7.50 per hour. Now...I am not complaining about my job, or the wages I am being paid for said job...I just needed to establish that I am qualified to speak on behalf of those nameless, faceless people who wait on you.

If you ask most people...including me, you will find that people think customer service is a lost art form. That the people waiting on you at the restaurant, the clothing store, the dry cleaner suck at taking care of their needs. They are universally unfriendly, stupid, and unqualified to do anything in life, so this is what they are left with. Some of this is true.....if you go back to the 50's, everyone gave great service. The guy pumping your gas wore a clean uniform, smilied at you, cleaned your windows, and got you out of their quickly. The waitress at the local diner knew your name, your kid's names, and that you did not like meatloaf. It goes on and on. What people might not remember is that you could hold a job like that in 1955, and while you weren't dining with the Kennedy's, you could put feed your family. Certainly not today....you'd be on welfare. In fact...in 2010, you're better of being on welfare than working at the mall.....but I digress.

My point is...while customer service is definately not what it used to be, neither are customers. People used to repsect service professionals, and society had a basic decorum that allowed everyone to be repsected. Customers are now in a hurry, pissed off, ill-mannered and ill-tempered. They look at cashiers and wait staff as below them...and feel no need to treat them with decency or repsect. I'm amazed at some of the assholes I deal with at the theatre....and this is a place that generally serves older, well educated people. Actually.....in many cases, these people are the worst.

You know....I've read about 100 different "Bill of Rights" for customers, but never one for Service Professionals. So...here's my attempt at one:

1). Servers have the right to have a clean slate. If I've never met you....please don't shit all over me because the last time you were at this theatre, the water in your Dasani bottle wasn't quite cold enough. Give me the opportunity to screw up before you treat me like I did....

2). Servers have the right to experience good manners. Please and thank you work for us too. If you can't do good manners....how about not talking. I can deal with silence much better than someone being a douche.

3). Servers deserve not to be cursed at. The best way to make sure I do absolutely nothing for you is to drop an F-bomb my way. What makes you think that's appropriate in any place in society.

4). Caveat Emptor....Let the customer beware. It is not my fault you bought the wrong sweater, salad, tie....fill in the blank. We can help you fix your mistake....but it is your mistake. I had some guy who was pissed that the movie was in the black box theatre. That's well and good...but don't yell at me after the movie after you purchased the tickets. You certainly could have not bought the tickets.

5). Don't be upset with the minimum wage folks for things they obviously don't control. Too many times I've watched some old guy shit all over a waitress because something was taken off the menu. Do you really think the 16 year old waitress at Friendly's decided to 86 the mozerella sticks? If not....don't harp on her about it.

6). Don't assume it's their fault. My favorite thing is when people come late to a movie...then start freaking out about the showtime being wrong in the paper or on our website. The cant ever produce a ad....not that they should. When I point out to them that 300 people arrived on time for the 7:30 showing....and they are standing alone in front of the box office at 8pm, they still blame me (see above, I don't place the ads). If you didn't just assume it was my fault.....then I could stop hating you.

7). Service people never control traffic, weather, or parking. Repeat after me....If I had given enough time to get where I needed to go without rushing, I would have made it on-time. Being 15 minutes early is not a crime, being 15 minutes late gets you seated in the back of the house for Act 1.

8). Servers are not miracle workers....they cannot make things appear or disappear instantaneously, and irrational deadlines cannot always be met. I know of three people in my professional life that actually are quoted 10% - 25% higher than a normal person when they need a job done as a service tax. These people are so difficult to deal with and ask for such unreasonable things that the business needs more money to put up with their crap.

9). Acts of God are just that. True story...I had a guy piss all over me because I failed to open the theatre after we got 14 inches of snow. Never mind he got to the theatre riding a snowmobile.....he got there, so I should open. Your waiter is not to blame because frost killed the orange crop in FL...so OJ is $6 per glass.

10). Know the difference! As a consumer....one of your jobs is to know when someone is trying to provide good service to you, and when someone could give a shit less. For example….if someone gives you a nice smile and greeting when they encounter you, work quickly…..and genuinely try to fix any problems you faced during your transaction, recognize that. I’m not saying you need to give them a $20 or anything, but at least treat them as if they are worth your time, and keep going back to that place. In the same light, if someone doesn’t make eye contact with you when waiting on you….or is texting or talking on the phone rather than deal with you…..stop going to that establishment. Don’t make a scene….cause trust me, if a service worker doesn’t care about doing a good job….no amount of anger will change that.

You have the right to expect good customer service. Even more…you have the right to use establishments that hire, train, and value employees that provide good customer service. I recommend to everyone that the way you let businesses know that you’re happy or unhappy with their service is with your $$$. That being said….don’t crap all over those nameless, faceless people getting your dinner and ringing up your groceries. Be reasonable in your expectations….and remember that if you lose your mind on someone….you’ll just end up being the asshole of the day when they get to the bar later with friends…..

We Are The World?

I was a senior in high school went Bob Geldoff from The Boomtown Rats invented the Socially Conscious Pop Star. Christmas of 1984 brought us, “Do They Know It’s Christmas”…..a song featuring the top pop start of Britian singing about hunger in Ethiopia. All of the proceeds went to fight hunger in Africa.

Do They Know It’s Christmas begat Lionel Ritchie and Michael Jackson’s classic….We Are The World. This was the American pop star effort to seem socially conscious. From there…..we saw Live Aid, Farm Aid…..and pretty much any Aid concert imaginable. It took about 5 years….but the rock stars trying to save the world pretty much ran its course by 1990.

The funny thing…..both songs were totally forgettable. They really suck! No, hear me out. If you took We Are The World and had Joe Blow record it as a solo piece….you’d get 13 downloads on iTunes…and that would be his family. The only interesting thing about it was identifying all of the stars singing their solo line. That and when they decided to show contrast by having Bruce Springsteen sing with Stevie Wonder. I get it…they sound different but compliment each other. How creative and edgy. MTV played the video about 4 billion times….back when MTV actually played music.

Fast forward 25 years later…..and Haiti has a terrible earthquake. A tragedy to say the least…..just like Hurricane Katrina and the Tsunami, a natural disaster that killed thousands….and displaced many thousands more. I need to say at this point…any efforts to raise money for the people of Haiti is a noble effort. But really…..this is the best they could do? Bringing a bad retread song out of mothballs with a new array of stars? Not one of the 81 people involved in the recording could put pen to paper and write something new and relevant…..and dare I say good?

I’ve watched the new video on You Tube about 10 times and yes…it still sucks. Beyond that…..there are some extreme Hall of Shame moments. Like bringing back Michael Jackson’s solos. He’s the only one from the original version to be added back into the mix…and word has it that was the only way his Mom would release the rights to the song.And just to make it a little more creepy, let's add Janet in to sing a solo with Michael. Did anyone think maybe that was a sign to cut and run?

Coming in close second….Jamie Foxx’s Ray Charles imitation. Either insert Ray’s solo back in….or just sing Jamie. That was totally weak sauce.

With so many really talented vocalists there….you gave a prime solo to Miley Cirus. Wow…..that was a choice. And did anyone think you could have gotten Miley off the stripper pole she rode at the Teen Choice Awards to show up for a benefit.

Put the auto tune machine away! Either you can sing…...or you can’t Better yet….smash it and throw it into the harbor.

After listening to Celine Dion…..was anyone else jonesing Cyndi Lauper? I’ll take Girls Just Want To Have Fun over My Heart Will Go On every time.

Wyclef Jean…..you suck…hard. Really hard! What was that wailing noise you kept making…and could you stop, please?! Honestly, if Wyclef wasn’t Haitian….he would have been parking cars at the recording studio.

Tony Bennett was about 10 years too late……stick with playing the Q-tip circuit.

Here is my sad, sad admission. I HATE rap music. Maybe the occasional Will Smith or Run DMC…..but I haven’t liked anything remotely Rap related since Young MC Busted a Move. The rap addition was by far the best part of the song. It was original, heartfelt and interesting. And if I’m praising LL Cool J, will I am, and Snoop….that tells you all you need to know.

So…..join me in making a donation to the Red Cross…..$100 to erase the digital master and make this abomination go away. And another $50 if you can take it off of Wikipedia. It never existed…..nice.

I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that in 1985…I would secretly try to imitate all of the solo lines when I would watch the video. One time at the beach after a few too many Bushc beers……which could have been pretty much any night that summer, I broke out my rendition of We Are The World…..live. Not sure who saw it…..but I thank god everyday that flip cams and camera phones were yet to be invented. There’s a choice we’re making….and that choice should have been to put down the six pack.

To iPad or not to iPad

I'm obsessed with getting and iPad....

This may sound weird to people....but it's not all that unusual for me to be obsessed with some type of technological gadget. As a kid, we were the first family on the block to have cable....we're talking 1973. I got my first Texas Instruments Calculator when I was 7. That doesn't sounds like a big deal now, but it was $50 had a cool red LED readout. We had the Odessey gaming system...which was the very first home gaming system (think pong with an english knob). This was a good 7 years before the Atari 2600 came out.....and I had that too.

That's right...I'm blaming my parents for my need for the newest technology. It helps me to sleep at night.

As I grew into adulthood, I was in early in getting a PC, was the first person O knew to have a cell phone...or more specifically a car phone. Yes...I had a phone that was hard wired into my Honda Civic. It was unbelievably expensive, but very cool. I jumped into getting an early smartphone...it was a phone that you could flip into a Palm Pilot. The only thing that stopped me from jumping in earlier was price....I just never made quite enough money to be on the leading edge...so I had to settle with being in the first 20% or so. It killed my to wait that long....but I survived.

Since Mags was born...it's become harder and harder to justify getting cutting edge electronics. I waited a couple of years before my first ipod...sattelite radio, and my first laptop. Diapers and formula....then later books and dance class were more of a priority than a Wii or an iPhone (I still have netiher).

Then came the iPad. I saw a story about it after the Apple Launch event and I just have to have one. I think about it every day. It's insane....but I can't help it.

I mean....I'm obsessed. I downloaded the Apple Keynote podcasty and watched it.....an hour and a half. I watched their promotional video three times and I've read at least 50 stories about it calling it the next revolutionary product...or a piece of shit. I even sold my netbook.....no need for that, I'll be using my iPad instead.

Let's look at it. HD Video, my entire music collection, ebooks....I love ebooks. No need to ever shop for books at B&N again...and it'll make moving a whole bunch easier. The best part....I'll have an email client, web browser, and pretty much everything else I need in one small, light package. I must say...I have an ipod touch now...and I use it for all of these things. It's amazing...but the screen is too small to make it convenient for some of these things. This will probably be the only thing I carry with me everywhere, and I'll have them put it in my coffin when I die. That is unless Mags swipes it.....she seems to have picked up on Daddy's addicition to cool electronics.

No...I'll be pitching a tent outside of the Apple Store at the end of March. You'll find me at the front of the line looking haggard from lack of food and sleep. I need my iPad........

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

Does anyone remember Terry Tate, Office Linebacker?

This was a hilarious ad campaign by Reebok starting during the 2003 Super Bowl, featuring a 6'4" 260 lb linebacker that romes the office all day looking for people who are breaking company policy. When he sees an infraction, he takes them out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94

If you have 4 minutes....check this out. Oddly...while I found this campaign a riot, it was one of those new ad campaigns that actually does not feature the products it's marketing in any way. Not that this is the point of my blog.....but I was always interested in why a company would pay millions of dollars to advertise during the Super Bowl without showing their product...

Anyway....

The irony of this ad campaign is that it's supposed to be a farce but it's really not. Like it's such a ridiculous concept that someone would troll the hallways of a business, looking to "bring the pain" to their coworkers. While these people might not be wearing red jerseys and shoulder pads....I found them in my placs of business way too often. They didn't actually tackle you....but the did show up in a few slightly (and I do mean slightly) more subtle formats.

The Office ________ ( I'll let you fill in the blank...this is a family blog)
This person spends all day with a 400 lb. chip on their shoulder and a 12 ft. stick shoved right up their ass. If they have a smile, it hasn't seen the light of day since 1979. They are surly at best and abusive at worst...they eat alone if at all, and you would rather stick your face into a woodchipper than have to partner with this person on a project. This person is employed for one of three reasons....they have a skill or knowledge that is critical that no other person posseses, they have a friend or relative who protects them...they have been with the organization longer than the furniture. I at least respect this person because their is no pretence that they care if you lived or died. I find comfort in that.

The Email Bully. I particularly think these people have a special place in the 7th concentric circle of Hell reserved for them.

You know this one....you send any email to this person asking a simple question. You immediately get a terse response back the length of the Dead Sea Scrolls making you look like the biggest horse's ass for asking such an inane question. But they don't just send it to you.....no.....they cc your boss and their boss. Now...this is a wiley creature. If they have a question for you....you get a phone call, usually with as much sweetness as they can muster. If you're a normal human...you're first reaction is to help them...so you do. But trust me....the email bully will strike again, and again, and again. Lose their email address as quickly as you can.

The "much sneakier" Clandestine Email Bully. See above but uses the Blind CC instead of CC, so you don't know they tossed you under the bus. This normally has to be used in conjunction with the regular email bully strategy, since if you use bcc too often, your boss will need to know why. Sometimes this person has established an alliance with your boss...so your boss actually appreicates it. Mata Hare had nothing on these scumbags.

The Public Bus Throwers. This happened to me recently. I had a person who was on a committee I chaired....this person had a higher position with the organization, but did not work in my area of expertise normally. She had an idea on something that we could do to improve our project...and it truly was a good idea. Did she call me with this idea? No. Did she email me with it? No. How about bring it up at a committee meeting? No...not that either. No...she decided to wait until we were in Senior Administrative meeting with the President of the organization. That seemed like the perfect time to bring this up.....and very loudly...and certainly not in a flattering way, and actually questioned why this had not been thought of earlier. Guess who was omitted from my Christmas card list this year....Ho Ho Ho.....ugh!

The Backstabbing Droners - This is an upgrade from the normal backstabber, who will slip the dagger ever so deeply into your back when the opportunity arises. No, this person actually spends a great deal of their day creating opporunities to do this. I know of a person who actually called 19 (at least that was my final count) people to tell the same half-truth story to make a coworker look bad. And that's 19 calls in the same day. Does that sound like a productive member of the team. I guess it depends on your definition of productive.

And then the Imperial Grand Czar Linebacker....this person actually can skillfully use any or all of these techniques, and probably has a few other ones I haven't identified yet. I've only run across two or maybe three of these people...you almost have to be in awe of their abilities and their lack of internal organs....

Unfortunately finding these people as coworkers is unavoidable, I've always had a least one person who had traits similar to one or more of these. No...you can't completely avoid them But you can look for an organization that doesn't empower the office linebackers of the world. A place that holds everyone accountable for their interactions with coworkers. They have always been my favorite places to be for 40+ hours per week.....