Bag it

I'm at the grocery store getting a few items. And I know this because I wouldn't be caught dead at this store if I needed to spend more than $20. But....since it was just a few things, I decided convenience was key.

So.....I go through the store, get what I need, and head over to the check out. There are two cashiers ringing.....so I look up and no lie, the one cashier was about 70 years old, but with 1/2 pound of makeup on. I'm not talking about cougar war paint make up....more like Clarabell the Clown (I love a good Howdy Doody reference). Since clowns scare me...I go to the other cashier, who is a cross between Grandma and a Marine Drill Sergaent. She rings everything up quickly (she was effecient), and tells me my bill is $15.83. Sadly, I have about 30 cents and a tic tac in my pocket, so I go to swipe my card.

Everyone knows the drill....it takes about 2 minutes to run your card, punch in your code and to be approved. So...I'm going through the process, and I'm not slacking or anything.....but she's just staring at me, and my six items are still sitting in the checkout area.

Anyone see where this is going?

So...I complete the transaction...she give's me a hurried, thanks for shopping.....and just looks at me.

Allow me to interject here....I am not above bagging my groceries, I've done it countless times. I've even done it while I've had an active 3 year old on my shoulders. But when you have a few items like this....you get to checking out before you can even start fumbling with the first crappy plastic bag.

Anyway......she keeps looking at me, until I slowly and deliberately begin to bag my six items. She's now actually holding up checking out the next person until I complete this task, put my bags in the cart and start on my way. I was just going to walk away until she apologizes to the next shopper for the delay....so I say loud enough for all to hear....and you're quite welcome that I bagged my groceries...nice of you to appreciate the effort......

Moral of the story......Wegman's always bags your groceries. And they don't allow clown makeup on their employees......

Why do I bother?

Okay...here's a quick one....

Last week I took Mags to The Melting Pot, a cool new restaurant in Bethlehem featuring fondue (well...it's a chain so it's not new to everyone....but it was new to her). Anyway, we enjoy a 4 course meal......cheese fondue with breads and veggies, a fresh caesar salad, an amazing array of proteins (chicken, filet, shrimp, salmon)....and of course the piece de resistance, dark chocolate fondue. We took more than two hours to eat....it was a lot of fun and delicious.

At the end of our meal, I go to pay the check....which was north of $100. She thanks me for taking me to such a cool place, and I ask her if this was now her favorite restaurant. I don' t think so she replies. I said, oh.....well it's at least better than Perkins. She agreed....and I said...and McDonald's.

She looks me dead in the eye and says, they're about equal.

Next time Chicken McNugget Happy Meal and pocket the change......

Sid and Marty Krofft Must Die!!!

My daughter Maggie is 7. This is only important to the story as it explains why I would be commenting on children's television.

You see....in the last 6 months she's transitioned her TV from almost exclusively cartoons to more live action family faire. Handy Manny is now Hannah Montana (Not a great trade in my estimation). Anyway...one night at dinner, we began to talk about her TV shows and then the shows of my childhood.

Now...I'm 42, so my prime kid TV watching years were from 1972 until about 1980. I had already shared with her my love of Schoolhouse Rock, which has served her well in school. But when I really started digging into the shows I remembered, I realized we were completely screwed. So....with the magic of you tube.....I started checking some of them out.....holy shit, it was awful!!!

I mean....let's take a look at the flaming turds the networks put in front of us as kids.

Hong Kong Phooey - Let's see....a dog, who is also the janitor at a police station, who is also the fumbling, bumbling kung fu expert that solves crimes with the help of his genius pet cat. Throw in one of the worth theme songs of all time....and it's just truly amazing this this existed. Once I was old enough to know who Scatman Crothers was...I wondered if he needed the drug money that badly.

Jabberjaw - A futuristic world set underneath the ocean starring a great white shark that's channeling Curly from the Three Stooges. Oh...and he's also the drummer from a really bad 70's bubble gum band.

Josie in Outer Space - I'm actually a fan of the original Josie and the Pussycats. I mean, what red-blooded American boy would love three hot rocker girls. Throw is bad girl Alexandra....and it was an exciting time. Then they went into Outer Space......by some freak accident. Most of the story lines revolved around how much Sebastian the Cat hated Bleep....some extraterrestrial pet that shocking communicated by saying, Bleep. They really had to get the brain trust together on that one.

Help...it's the Hair Bear Bunch - Yes...that's right, Bears that came straight out of Haight Asbury, living in a zoo. But....they only pretend to live like bears.....they actually have a swinging bachelor pad complete with black lights. When they need to travel....no sweat, The jump on their invisible chopper, kick start it....and of they go...Easy Rider style.

I could go on and on. It's unbeievable that none of these shows could remotely survive the test of time. Even some of the better shows like Scooby Doo got destroyed by adding in celebrity guest stars. Please.....be honest....is having Sonny and Cher and the Globetrotters animatd really gonna kick up the ratings with your average 7 year old? And then two words....Scrappy Doo. 'nuff said.

I save my true hatred...and I'm talking about passionate loathing for two brothers. No...not the Brothers Grimm....we're talking about Sid and Marty Krofft. I don't think anyone ever made such a consistent string of festering, hot garbage as these two did. Please, please, please......go to youtube.com and check any of these out.

1968 - They designed the costumes and sets for that funny foresome.....The Banana Splits. Wasn't this enough to prevent these guys from getting lunch, let alone allowing them to produce a show? I mean....Bingo is an orange bear wearing 1950's 3D glasses with a tremendous overbite. Snorky.....what the hell is Snorky?

1969 - The magic begins...their first show they produced.......wait for it.....HR Puffinstuff. Mayor McCheese rescues a boy who like to play a magic flute. No drug references there. Throw in Witchiepoo (you can just see the amount of thought that went into charater names, dancing trees, singing frongs....wow. By the way....did you know Puffinstuff is a dragon? I didn't until I read it on wikipedia.....

1970 - The Bugaloos....Okay....I want to put together a British version of the Monkees. That's right four British Teens that play in a fake band. Great....got that. Now....their actually insects that live in Tranqulity Forrest......yes, they must fly and have antennae. And...it's 1970.....one of them has to fly riding a surfboard....Britian meets California. Okay...when does the album drop....

The two things that particular kill me about this show is that Martha Raye was in it....pre denture commercials. I hate when a telented actreess has to do crap like this. And a bit of trivia.....a finalist for the role of I.Q. (the other names being Harmony, Courage, and Joy), was Phil Collins. Since he didn't get the job...he went to his backup plan joining this avant gaurde art rock band - Genesis.

1971 - This one's the worst...I mean just wretched. Lidsville. Eddie Munster falls into a magician's hat and lands into a world of talking hats. I could make this shit up....Hats of to Billie Hayes who did such a good job as Witchiepoo....she was able to step right in as Weenie the Geenie. Ugh! Oh....did I mention all of the hats do bad impressions of celebrities. I just love the Judy Garland hat and the John Wayne hat.

1973 - We got to skip a year......but then. Sigmund the Sea Monster. It's okay though because Johnny and Scott are friends. While there is so much crap here to discuss...let's stick to a few points. Sigmunds brothers were named Slurp and Blurp...which was what my stomach was doing when I watched a couple of minutes of this. Mary Wickes was a regular.....so was Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz). After the first year....they needed help, I mean that's surprisiung...this was such a cutting edge show. They added Rip Taylor to the mix as...you guessed it, an undersea Genie. Oh....and the main plot was Sigmund got kicked out of his home for not scaring humans. Sounds amazingly like Casper the friendly ghost.....only with $4 foam rubber costumes.

1974 - Land of the Lost - Sleestaks.....need I say more. This was actually their most successful show lasting all of three seasons, although the guy playing the father was so embarrased, he bailed after two seasons. At least they didn't pull a Darren Stevens and came up with the innovative story line that he transposted back to Earth......but his brother shows up since he was looking for him. Lucky for the kids.....they could have become dinosaur chow.

1976 - The Lost Saucer. Gomer Pyle and the short ugly funny girl from Laugh In are futuristic robots......that inadvertantly kidnapp two kids and go on adventures in their flying saucer. And coming with them is the Dorse.....half dog, half horse, all stupid.

Would you believe these two guys have always denied being influenced by drugs.......really? I felt stoned just watching 10 minutes of this unadulterated fertilizer. After I showed a few of these gems to Maggie....she had a weird look of her face. I'm glad I didn't live back then Daddy she said. But can I watch Lidsville again....I can't believe how bad that is.

I guess I now know why they got produced in the first place......

School Strike Suck!!!

My seven year old daughter loves school. In August, she was already telling me how excited she was to go back and learn this and hang out with her friends. She was actually giddy when the bus was coming up the hill to pick her up on her first day of school.

This type of enthusiasm for learning isn't easy to come by.....even with young children. I count myself truly blessed that I have a child that loves school....loves to read....really loves math, and has friends surrounding her at school. So....why do we now have to take that away from her because her school district is going on strike.

Before anyone starts pointing out the issues, let me make one thing very clear....I don't care who's fault you think it is. I hate both sides! This negotiation has been going on for more than 2 years.....thee teachers have been working without a contract for more than a year.....and the threat of a strike has been very real for at least that long.

Really....we couldn't figure this one out? Saucon Valley pays their teachers very well.....these folks are not going broke. They have the same good health benefits and opportunity for education compensation that is pretty standard in all teacher packages. And let's face it, they don't have the toughest student population to teach. I haven't seen any metal detectors installed there.

On the other hand last year the district kept offering non-binding arbetration to the teachers union to get them to end their 6 day strike. When the teachers agreed to it...and the arbetors sided with the teachers, then is wasn't such a good idea after all. They ditched all that arbetration talk and came in with an offer far less than they had originally given. Seemed a little like the old bait and switch to me.

So.....why can't we come up with an average salary increase and hold the line. I'm sure the union can give up a few minor points on approved eduction venues for reimbursement....I know they could do this. But the reality is neither side is the real loser. The administration will look good to the residents that don't want a tax increase, and the teachers will eventually have to teach all 180 days, so they don't lose any income.

No...the big losers are the two income parents that have to scramble to find child care for an undefined period of time. If you don't have friends and family at your disposal....this can be extremely difficult and expensive....and even if you do, who likes to inconvenience your friends and family. The other losers are the kids...like my daughter who now have to shut down their brain and find things to do during the day. At least during the summer they have camps and things to keep them busy and curious and motivated. Now it's the Disney Channel.

Let's all hope both sides can get their crap together and figure this out...it can't be that hard.

I wanna be the Soup Nazi

The Soup Nazi was always an hero of mine.....or at least an anti-hero.

Besides the fact that he was a Seinfeld character, this is a guy that gets away with treating people like shit every day....in fact, people line up and wait for the opportunity for him to dump all over them. And why do they do this.....because he makes the best soup in Manhattan.

Now....most people think about this and say....Seinfeld always has these quirky fictional characters in his show. Well....the Soup Nazi is actually based on a real guy named Al Yeganeh, who ran his restaurant Soup Kitchen International similiarly to the Soup Nazi. So there....it's not fictional after all....

So....why is this interesting to me? Because I deal with Soup Nazi's everyday. I find them fadcinating. They're everywhere......

A Soup Nazi is a person who does something, builds something, or creates something so exceptional that the average person will not only accept, but rationalize and apologize for their disgustingly bad behavior. These people will scream at you and insult you to your face, then complain about you to others because you are too stupid or too passive to give them the respect they need and deserve. I've seen Soup Nazi's get away with breaches of etiquette, corporate policy violations, and actual laws becuase their poo smells like roses to themselves, and the people around them.

You all know many famous Soup Nazis. Joan Crawford was a poster child for one in the 40's, just ask her daughter. Rush Limbaugh is one every day. Bill Parcells and Tom Coughlin are the NFL Coaching versions of a Soup Nazi. And Celine Dion, Diana Ross, and Aretha Franklin are all total divas, which is the theatre term for Soup Nazi.

For every famous one....everyone know's a bunch of them. The sales guy who is a major asshole, treats women like his slave, but because he's the #1 guy in terms of $$ brought in, a blind eye is taken. In my life, I need both my fingers and toes to count them. Unfortunately a few of them I have to deal with often....which really sucks. But since I know they're sacred cows, so I smile and keep plugging away. I always wonder if they get more out of life treating people they feel are below them as if they're garbage. Does this make them happy.....do they sleep better at night than I do?

And why do we take it? Are we intimidated by these people? Do we like to consort with folks that do something exceptionally well? For me, I think it's a little of both, plus throw in a heeping helping of hating confrontation.

I'm a habitually nice guy....can't really help it. I sometimes wish I had the ability to be a Soup Nazi programmed into my DNA, but it just doesn't take. I guess I'll just continue to watch and wonder what it's like to tell people, "No soup for you!"

People are Stupid - 1st Edition

It seems that every day....I get an flaming example that people are stupid. I'm not talking about everyone.....but every example I write in this blog will not be as uncommon as it should be.

So....two people show up this evening to see the Michael Moore film, only to discover it is sold out. They wig out......very angry that they drove all this way to see the film, only to be turned away.

Never mind that they are 15 minutes late to the movie......

and...they know they're 15 minutes late. It's not a surprise. and I was supposed to hold to seat for them just in case they showed up.

Hey.....Aunt Bee. How about getting in your car a few minutes earlier....I mean how long it takes to get to Allentown from Bethlehem is not a mystery.....fairly predictable. By the way.....you not getting into the film is not is tragedy. No one died....or was maimed....or was even hurt. You were inconvenienced by not giving yourself enough time to get to the movie. Try not to act like I burned your house down....or killed your kitten. I would love to sit you in the theatre....first, it would stop you yelling at me, secondly, if I turn you away....I'm turning your money away too.

I would say unbelievable except this has happened so many times to me it's scary.....

Michael Moore is a ...

Michael Moore is a ...

You can fill in the blank. Genius, fraud, exceptional filmmaker, total hypocryte. It's amazing! You mention the name Michael Moore and that's what you'll immediately get. Michael Moore is a ...

I've seen all of Michael Moore's films, even the his second film....which was complete garbage. You know...the one he never talks about. Anyway....all of his films have pretty much the same formula. He takes a topic like gun control, or problems with the health care system, or Wall Street...pretty easy and broad topics to discuss. He starts with a premise....guns are bad, health care is bad....and he finds facts to support these premises. His films use humor, comparisons with other countries, and a couple of poingnent situations to set up the big reveal....the thing that hits you in the gut.

Most people who come to his films are like me.,...people who appreciate his work and enjoy the way he conveys his point of view. My problem is with the two other types of people who attend; The die hard Michael Moore lovers and haters.

The Michael Moore lovers are the vocal majority in the theatre. They've drank the Kool-aid...they believe everything stated in his films are completely true is the context he states them. The US is an awful place and if you see this film, you'll know why.

The others are the haters....Michael Moore is everything that's wrong with our country. He's a lying, coniving communist who is trying to subvert the US Government. His films should be banned.

I must say...I do enjoy talking to both of these group of people. They have such passion, as misguided as it is.....The height is passions was during Farenheit 911 when I saw two people who were great freinds get into a screaming match over the right to play this film. I even received a hate note written with purple crayon from a 75 year old woman about the how Michael Moore was Satan.

Michael Moore is a filmmaker....and a pretty successful one at that. His films have a specific point of view...and while I have never seen it proven that he's lied in a film....let's face it, this guy is a master of spinning facts to make his point. Taking quotes and facts out of context if very effective. But....many of his situations and facts are completely true. It's not like anyone can really argue that two kids, who got access to guns, really did kill lots of people in Columbine, CO. Or....that the deterioration of GM in Flint, Michigan did leave a city with 40%+ unemployment.

What's my point...do I really need one, this is a blog. No...my point is....enjoy his movies....or don't. If you go see Capitalism: A Love Story, take it for what it is....a documentary that can create discourse about the problems with our financial system. Or....if you hate Michael Moore...go see something else. Maybe a nice comedy. But...let's face it, Michael Moore is not the Anti-Christ, or a genius.....He's just a fat guy who's made a ton of money making movies.