Conditional Compassion

My mother-in-law is in the hosptial...again. It's rather sad. She's only 64, but she spends about as much time at St. Luke's as she does her own apartment. She had breast cancer about 18 years ago...and since that time she's never been the same. Heart problems, knee problems, lung issues, chronic skin conditions. She deals with far more pain that any one person should.

So....you would think that I would be sad and compassionate about her plight. I am.....but.

This is where it usually goes to....I feel bad for them.....but.

I'm working on getting rid of the "but".....with very mixed results.

You see the "but" and afterwards is where you start picking out the reasons it's that person's fault they are struggling. For my mother-in-law....she doesn't take care of herself. She eats badly, and doesn't sleep well, her apartment is a horrible mess and the dirt and dust doesn't help. And...since she hates her apartment, she does everything she can to stay away from it....out in the cold until all hours of the night. And when you offer to help or your sagely wisdom, she is difficult and combative.....she doesn't see how she's causing all of these problems for herself. So....I feel bad for her, "but".

I remember the first time I saw this guy come to the theatre I worked at pulling a tank of oxygen behind him. It was attached to a tube sticking out of his neck. I felt bad for him until I saw him sit on a bench, remove the oxygen tank, and start smoking a cigarette. My compassion vanished in a matter of seconds.

It seems thast in most cases.....I feel bad for that person, "but". Think of an obese person with heart issues, or an alcoholic with liver issues...it goes on and on. It becomes so easy for your compassion to become conditional or vanish completely.

Occasionally you do get that one person who you can't find the "but". Jim Fixx is my favorite. The guru of running in the 70's....he dies of a heart attack while running. He was in great shape, didn't take drugs....but he got a raw deal. He was immune to the "but".

One of my New Year's Resolutions....probably the most imporrtant one is to try to look beyond the "but". My mother-in-law tries to be a good person and loves her family very much. She isn't always easy, but she deserves her family's compassion and love. People have all sorts of problems....I certainly do. I could put down the cheeseburgers, be a better listener, a better father, a better husband. \

So...this year...a little less judging, a little less finger pointing and a lot more empathy, a lot more compassion.