Friday, April 2, 2010

"What, No Ham?"

I think in-laws are very special and particularly insidious test presented to you by God to see if you’re really worthy of going to heaven. How else would you explain it?

Dealing with your family is always a challenge. My family is probably like most people’s….a little bit crazy, they run hot and cold…but in the end, they are your family….so you have to deal with them. It’s part of the contract when you’re born. Here you go kid…..good luck.

But in laws…..wow! Your family knows all of your secrets….like that you reached into the toilet and ate poop when you were two (um…that didn’t actually happen…..um….). You have a history….you know all of their crap too. In-laws bring no history, no connection….but you have to treat them like family. I truly believe that 95% of the marriages that end are because you just can’t see your mother-in-law at one more holiday bonanza.

While I could write a book on the topic of in-laws, I’m gonna keep this one brief and just relay a quick heartwarming Easter story.

We get to host Jeni’s family at most holidays. It’s the trade off for being the only ones living in a house that can fit more than 3 people….so we usually don’t mind. For Easter this year, we decided to have brunch…and that I would cook. Okay…we didn’t decide that…I was assigned cooking duties, but I digress.

My sister-in-law asked what was on the menu…..she actually referred to it as a menu. Like I’m running a stinking restaurant, but Jeni replied by giving a nice list of things including bacon, sausage, waffles, eggs, coffee, orange juice, etc. And her reply was…..

"What, no ham?"

When did you get to complain about the “menu” when people were giving you free food? It’s not like she doesn’t eat everything we’re serving…that we selected food that made her boot. No…she decided that Easter meant ham. Well…I think ham tastes like rotting feet. It’s terrible. I struggle to choke down a courtesy helping when I go to a person’s home and they’re serving it. But…unlike the queen of manners, I wouldn’t dream of pissing on the food people were so very nice to put in front of me.

“What, no ham?”

How about you bring a ham if you want one…..you know, it’s not uncommon to bring a dish to the party. And trust me, you’ll get plenty of leftovers, because I won’t be touching your slimy, stank ham…..

“What, no ham?”

You gotta love in-laws…..